The One Bachelor Party To Rule Them All
by Echidne and Jyestha
Summary: Snape is given the task of planning a Bachelor Party for the headmaster.


**The One Bachelor Party To Rule Them All**

_Disclaimer: If you honestly think that we own the Harry Potter series, kill yourself. Please. Do everyone on fanfic a favor so we can stop writing these stupid disclaimers._

"As honored as I am of your selection of Best Man," said Snape dryly. "I really don't think I'm the best man for the job."

"Nonsense, old boy!" said Dumbledore jovially. "It'll be swell! Drinks all around!"

"No, really," insisted Snape. "I'm far to busy with um...teaching and conquering the dark lord to be in your wedding party."

"Nonsense!" Dumbledore declared. "I have known you most of my life, Severus, and that is a rather long time. We have been working against the forces of evil and working in the.... Work place for years now. Be my best man?" Dumbledore begged the greasy potions master.

"Well," answered Snape hesitantly. "I suppose when you put it that way. But what about your brother? The one who does strange things with goats?"

"We grew apart." Dumbledore placed his arm upon Snape's. "Now, my good friend, you must tell me what you're going to do for the Bachelor's Party. So I can know whether or not I'll have to send my bride-to-be away."

"Bachelor's Party?" said Snape stiffly. "Headmaster, dear Albus...I think not. That would include happiness, something I despise and spit upon." He spat upon the ground of the Leaky Cauldron to further illustrate his point.

"Hush. We must compose a guest list for the bachelor party," pondered Dumbledore. "Right now."

"Shouldn't that be something to do without me?" Snape asked in annoyance.

"Come now!" Dumbledore said without acknowledging Snape's question.

Snape reluctantly began to help the Headmaster compose the list for this great affair. It wasn't everyday that a man his age decided to take a bride. Dumbledore was no spring chicken... so, Snape supposed, it was better that he wed now, before he died.

"Well, I suppose Minerva must top the list of people to invite," instructed Snape. "Probably the Minister of Magic also."

"No," interjected Dumbledore. "He doesn't look as if he appreciates line dancing."

"Is that something we're going to be doing?"

"Yes."

Snape paled, "No, sir." He said firmly.

"Come now!" Dumbledore commanded, "If we are not going to be line dancing, why even bother having a party?"

Snape shook his head, "It's your party, sir."

"Damn straight," Dumbledore shook his head emphatically. "Now, we need to include my favorite Former students. Hagrid, the entire Weasley family, Oliver Wood, Myrtle, Cedric Diggory—"

"He's dead, sir. The last one."

"Oh, right," said Dumbledore absently.

"Are we including women in this event?" asked Snape slyly. "Excepting the exotic dancers, of course."

"Of course we'll have women!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "Naked time wouldn't be half as fun without them!"

"Naked time, sir?" asked Snape, pausing his writing. "When are you planning on this?"

"After we do the Hokey Pokey," commented the Headmaster absently. "Now, we'll need every Gryffindor. Ever."

Just the mention of "Gryffindor" made Snape clench his jaw and scribble on the paper. "I suppose, sir, that that includes Harry Potter?"

"Well of course!" Dumbledore said pleasantly. "He was my first choice for best man, but he turned it down."

"He was the first choice?" Snape screamed. "What about me?"

"You were my fifth choice, Severus."

"Behind whom?" Snape demanded. He did not like the idea of being behind Harry Potter. That was dirty.

"Well, Harry Potter was one and Hagrid was two but you know, he doesn't own appropriate formalwear. Then I decided to invite Hermione Granger, my best pupil-," Dumbledore sighed deeply. "But she turned it down on the grounds that she is not in possession of a penis, thus not fit to be a best 'man' and then number four was my brother, but we already talked about this. I went to speak with my brother and found him having a tousle with a young spring chicken and well.... I could not! So it comes to you Snape!"

"I'm deeply honored," said Snape sardonically. "So because I have not screwed any poultry, I've become your Best Man by default."

"Well, Flitwick was too short." Dumbledore continued discussing his list of prospective Best Men. "The Giant Squid cannot leave the lake and my fiancée really doesn't favor an aquatic wedding. I don't really like Ron Weasley and Sirius Black died. Remus Lupin...well, we have a history." Dumbledore reflected briefly on that one night, long ago in Vegas when a teacher and student became one in the fabulous Elvis Impersonating Bar. But he continued, ignoring the flashback. "Lucius Malfoy is in prison—"

"Why the hell would you possibly, conceivably want Lucius Malfoy in your wedding party?" demanded Snape, foaming at the mouth.

Dumbledore licked his lips and reached for a buttered scone. "Well, Witch Weekly was correct in this regard. He is rather Luscious."

Snape's head swam with the height of what he had agreed to do for the aged and delusional old man. "Luscious?" He felt like crying. "I have to go."

"Alright!" said Dumbledore with his mouth full of scone. "But we must decide on a date! Quickly!" When Snape offered nothing, Dumbledore decided for him. "Two weeks from Sunday. Have everything ready for me! I rented out the Cat Scratch Club!"

Snape was already out the door. "I can't believe this," he mused to himself. "This man has been my mentor since I was eleven years old. There is nothing I haven't done for him. Hell, I've been a double agent for the worst dark Wizard in a century for him, suffered unimaginable pain and irreversible damage to my cerebrum and spinal chord from all those damn tortures I've been through. And yet this seems completely unnecessary as he still prefers the Giant Squid over myself."

Suddenly an idea struck the brooding Potions Master. "I'll give you your Bachelor's Party," he thought to himself evilly. "I'll give you a BACHELOR'S PARTY YOU'LL NEVER FORGET!"

He raced back to his dungeons to plan the **One Bachelor's Party to Rule. Them. All.**

The two weeks past for the Potion's master in a flurry of plans and matching table settings. Invitations were owl-ed out and RSVP began to float back to Snape's dungeon. Before long, Snape found himself setting off for the Cat Scratch Club.

**Please review!**

_(A/N: Once again, this note is written more out of habit than a sheer desire to say anything, I'm afraid. Hit us with your suggestions for who Dumbledore's wife is going to be! It can be anyone ever mentioned in the entire series. Ever. Seriously. Even Tom Gudgeon, the little boy who had his eye poked out by the Weeping Willow fifty thousand years ago in the Chamber of Secrets.)_


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